


Until I See You Again

by hobiwanisfine



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Anakin Needs a Hug, Anakin cries a lot, Angst, Depression, Experimental, F/M, I don't even know how to describe this, Meandering Emotional Vomit, Mentions of Attempted Suicide, Slow Burn, Tagging as I go, Uncle Obi, anakin has depression, anakin is still like a brother to obi-wan, anakin is the big sad, anakin still has use of the force, and you to come back, but not the way you think, he's perfect, human disaster anakin, ill die on that hill, it's been 11 chapters and we still don't know anything about reader tbh, just not like normal, like he doesnt know, mentions of intended suicide, obi-wan is your brother, poetry?, reader has ptsd, this book makes me upset, this is very sad, you have a son with anakin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-05
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:07:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 3,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24558907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hobiwanisfine/pseuds/hobiwanisfine
Summary: You and Anakin had been attracted to each other for all of your school years, when you both became adults those feelings became something more. Then disaster struck and you were assumed dead in battle. Anakin has since shut himself off from love. Anakin copes by writing you letters and reliving his memories of the two of you together.What happens when he begins to receive answers by connecting with an old friend.A friend who has kept a secret from him for many years.
Relationships: Anakin Skywalker/Reader, Anakin Skywalker/You
Comments: 21
Kudos: 40





	1. Chapter  1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ohgodmyeyes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohgodmyeyes/gifts).



> so, here we are, my first multi-chapter work.
> 
> she's a doozy and this is also somewhat of an experiment for me.
> 
> i hope you enjoy!

To my dearest love,

Why did you have to leave so soon? 

I’m not sure I understand why someone could do this to you.

I

Anakin stops writing and lets out a breath  
He didn’t know he’d been holding it  
But as his chest falls so do his tears

A child screams behind him  
Your son  
Giddy screams, those of joy

He has no concept of heartbreak  
No attachments  
No deep feelings

He wishes only to be fed, changed, and rocked to sleep  
Anakin wishes to be that age again  
Back when you two had first been together

He had always imagined his entire life with you  
But now, there was no you  
It was him and your son  
Struggling  
Limping  
Dragging through everyday life

Anakin had cut himself off from everyone  
Only occasionally sending Obi-Wan the letters he wrote for you  
He couldn’t keep them himself  
Obi-Wan did not read them, he was sure

Anakin brought his hand to his child  
Your child  
Slowly allowing his thumb to brush his cheek  
Anakin whispers out your name as he locks eyes with your’s  
These belong to your son however, the same shining color

Anakin’s tears are still falling freely  
Tiny fingers attached to tiny arms reach out

“Ben,” he sighs out as he lifts his son into his arms

Ben, named after his uncle, once again reaches out to his father  
His fingers splay across Anakin’s cheeks  
Collecting the tears escaping down his face

The corners of Anakin’s lips tug up at the sight of his son  
Your son  
A beautiful toothless smile mirrors Anakin’s own  
Brightly shining eyes crinkled in the corners  
A shrill, bubbly, gurgling laugh escapes Ben’s lips

There’s so much of you in Ben  
It’s almost as if he were a carbon copy of you  
Anakin’s tired eyes sparkle as he rediscovers you in his son’s face  
Your son

Anakin brings Ben to the table with him  
He finally works up the courage to continue

To my dearest love,

Why did you have to leave so soon? 

I’m not sure I understand why someone could do this to you.

I see you so clearly in Ben that it makes me smile.

He is so beautiful and I only wish you were here to watch him as he grows.

Obi-Wan was by the other day with some new supplies from the store, 

I still cannot bring myself to face him, everytime I see him I feel as though 

I’m fighting against his arms as I did when I heard the news.

One of these days I will need to face him, Ben is growing quickly and will need

New clothes soon.

I cannot drive, I will need to ask Obi-Wan, but that can wait.

I miss you more than the sky misses the stars during the day.

More than the moon misses the sun between eclipses.

More than anyone could physically fathom.

Sometimes, when I sleep, I hold my breath, hoping and praying that maybe,

I could find you again, but then Ben begins to cry and I remember that 

I have a piece of you here with me. 

My wedding band almost fell down the drain today, but it’s ok,

I caught it just in time.

I can’t think of anything else to tell you today, it’s been a rather difficult

day so, my mind is not the sharpest. I love you.

Until I see you again,

Anakin


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, i think this book may make me very sad

To my dearest love,

Obi-Wan came by to collect some of my letters today.

He said hello to Ben while I gathered them.

Ben was very happy to say the least, I think he sees his mother in

Him. 

I made eye contact today, I looked into his eyes as I handed him my

Letters and fuck, it made me realize how much we’re missing out on.

It’s rather early for this letter but I wanted to let you know that I 

Finally did it, even if it sent me into a fit of hysterics which Obi-Wan

Could not console me through.

He smells as you did,

I’m spending the day on the couch with Ben today.

Hopefully he can get some sleep.

He’s been restless recently and I can’t figure out why.

He wakes in the middle of the night screaming and crying

Staring out the nursery window onto the patio.

Sometimes, it frightens me but we usually move to the 

Living room couch and he calms down.

I miss you more than broadway misses it’s crowds after a show.

I miss you more than cupid misses psyche.

Until I see you again,

Anakin

Anakin sighs as he walks toward his son  
He’s on his back on the floor of the living room  
Staring up at some colorful plastic  
Daintily hanging above him

His toothless smile still makes Anakin’s eye light up  
His garbling and babbling bringing tears to them

Softly cradling his son’s head to his chest  
Anakin places a soft kiss upon Ben’s forehead

“I’ve never needed you more than I need you now.” 

A curt sob follows  
A head softly hits a pillow  
A son clutched against a heaving  
Hiccupping   
Wracking chest

Eyes closed  
Mind racing  
Breath evening 

Sleep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :-) this is my normal style of writing in the sense that this is what comes easiest to me, i can do long meandering compound sentences but i truly love breaking sentences and thoughts down to their barest, most raw form.
> 
> i feel like the poetic structure of these really gives the reader insight into how ani deals with himself, or rather how he doesn't.
> 
> as always, i love seeing your comments! <3


	3. Chapter 3

Asleep in Anakin’s arms  
One draped around your stomach

Ben   
That’s what you’d decided to call him  
After his uncle  
The man who had saved your life  
Anakin

Bodies pressed together   
Warmth flowing between forms  
Love palpable to those who entered

Machines beeping  
Searing pain  
Loud screams

Silence  
Darkness  
Cold

Anakin melts before your eyes  
You try to reach out to him  
Try to save him  
But you can’t

He’s too far gone  
His only anchor is his son  
Your son  
Ben

He doesn’t let anyone in  
You read his letters over and over again  
The only way he expresses emotion 

His writing  
His tears  
His love for Ben

It all makes you wish  
If you could just go back  
But that’s impossible

You’re dead

Anakin will be a wonderful father  
He already is   
You could never help him

You could’ve never been as good a parent

He misses you  
You miss him as much as Psyche misses Cupid  
As much as the stars miss the sky

You could never compete with him  
So you don’t

You stay far away  
Rotting in your grave  
Reading his letters  
Feeling his pain  
Wishing for him and Ben

Dead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this story is super easy for me to write, i don't know how long it'll be but there will be a decent number of chapters I think.
> 
> as always comments are appreciated :-)


	4. Chapter 4

He spun around the living room  
The sound of feet hitting the floor was quiet  
He swiftly moved, arms held in a pose  
His arms were set around a slender waist

The coffee cup on the kitchen table was stained  
A faded pair of pink lips kissed the rim  
It had been sitting there for days  
He dared not touch it

The Led Zeppelin shirt sitting on the couch reminded him  
It was full of holes and looked thoroughly worn  
Just like their entire relationship  
He dared not touch it

He let his eyes drift shut  
His feet carried him through the house  
His chest began to tighten

He stopped

The room he had found himself in was nothing special  
A bedroom  
Everyone has one

He looked around the room  
He thought back to when you met  
People told you that you didn’t know what love was

You’re too young to be in love  
You’re young and dumb you don’t know what you’re doing

Phrases like these filled his head  
His head began to spin  
She didn’t love him  
She didn’t care about him  
They were all right

A stray tear slid down his cheek  
He began to sob  
Uncontrollable  
Hiccuping  
Ugly  
Loud  
Heartbreaking

He stood again  
His heart racing and his head dizzy  
He began again  
He spun around the living room  
The sound of feet hitting the floor was quiet  
He swiftly moved, arms held in a pose  
His arms were set around a nonexistent waist

It should’ve been you  
But it was just his imagination

Ben screams behind Anakin  
Shoulders drop  
Soothing words are whispered  
Dreams make their way into a baby's mind  
Shadows haunt the man who once had his world

The shell of a man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> teehee, ok so this chapter is kinda a cop out.
> 
> i just graduated from high school yesterday and i really wanted to show this piece off.
> 
> i wrote it this year for my creative writing class and i though it fit perfectly with our tragic boy however, i did add a few new lines.
> 
> i've been writing the last installment of Over & Under and i've been kinda drained so here's this older piece that works beautifully.
> 
> as always love seeing your comments. <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, so I just wanted to clarify that these chapters aren't in a particular order. I will let you know if chapters are from the past (prior to reader's disappearance), such as this chapter is.

Skylar,  
I know you had to leave this morning. Work stuff. 

He took a shaky breath in as if inhaling the air would make this more bearable to write  
As if taking a deep breath would solve every problem he had at this second  
He wanted to make this perfect

I just need you to understand something

He let out a frustrated noise and crumpled up his work  
He pulled another sheet out and began again

Skylar,  
You said you had to work this morning. I know you didn’t. I know you’re with

“No.” He whispered to the walls  
“NO!”  
He screamed that time, threw everything to the floor, and began to cry

Skylar,  
I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m not enough for you. I’m sorry I don’t truly mean anything to you. I’m sorry I take away from the time you could be spending with him. I’m sorry. I’m honest to God sorry that all I do is waste your time. I’m sorry that I want a real relationship between us. I’m sorry that I’m clingy and I’m sorry that you don’t love me the way I love you.

He let out the breath he had been holding deep in his chest  
This would be the end  
If he finished this note, that would be the end of everything

He put his head in his hands  
Why was he still crying  
It felt right  
The tears falling from his eyes landed on the letter below him, spreading the ink across the page like roots  
The same roots that were covered in dirt and mud that were wrapping around his body  
Filling his pores and covering his skin with an overwhelming feeling of sadness  
He felt dirty, like he needed to scrub his body, like he had become a monster

He slowly readjusted his posture and tried to focus on the task in front of him  
His tears obstructed his vision for a couple seconds until he blinked them away  
The paper was still blurry  
It was ruined  
Good

He was in too deep.  
His breathing would hitch because he was choking on her words  
His heart would pound when she left, hoping that one day she would turn around and notice him  
His head filled with pressure when she came home from “work” with a disheveled appearance  
His throat burned from screaming into his pillow when he heard the car pull out of the driveway at 5 a.m  
He was drowning and there was no one around for miles to save him

He tore the paper in half and threw it away  
He retreated to the bedroom and took up position in bed  
Their bed

The sound of a door unlocking echoed through the empty entryway  
He didn’t hear it; he was asleep already  
As Skylar placed her bag down on the kitchen table she noticed the discarded remains of his frivolous attempt to confront her

She walked into the bedroom and began packing  
His things

When he awoke the next morning  
You were the first person he called

And in an instant  
You were there  
To hold him in your arms  
And tell him how much   
You loved him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it!!
> 
> I honestly really love writing this, however, recently I've been doing a lot of reading and preparing for college so updates won't be as often.
> 
> I'm still working on the last piece in Over & Under and maybe I'll finish that up tonight.
> 
> As always, love seeing comments from you guys! Don't be afraid to roast me :-) <3


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short and cryptic, just the way my adhd likes it.

Anakin and Ben  
A pair that no one guessed would be inseparable  
A son unable to thrive without his father  
A father unable to survive without his son

Had it not been for Ben  
Anakin would’ve been dead by now  
Constantly looking for a way to see you again  
Constantly seeking out your warmth

He tried to pretend he wasn’t as broken as he was  
But everyone could see through him

However, Ben saw you quite often

Like all those times you would stand  
Just outside the window to his nursery  
Admiring how well Anakin took care of him

You always disappeared when Ben began to cry  
Anakin couldn’t know  
He would be devastated that you’d lied  
For so many months

You ruined him  
But you also built him

He was a new  
Stronger  
More beautiful version of himself  
Because you died

Or at least  
Obi-Wan said you had   
And you had gone along with it 

To my dearest love,

I can’t stand to be without you.

I can’t take it.

I’ll be with you soon.

I miss you more than the clouds miss the rain.

More than a child misses their mother.

I love you.

Until I see you again,

Anakin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SURPRISE! you're still alive! 
> 
> i'll just let you all speculate.
> 
> feel free to leave your guesses or comments! i've said it before and i'll keep saying it, i love hearing from you guys :-)
> 
> anyway,
> 
> peace, love, captain crunch <3


	7. Chapter 7

Anakin sits with ben as he lets out a soft sigh  
He smiles lightly at ben  
Ben garbles back and chews on his cheerios

Anakin's hand shakes  
His hand gripping a pen  
Almost too tightly  
He begins to hastily scribble down his thoughts

on the bathroom tile, my feet cool  
the world around me spinning  
quickly, mixed emotions flood  
to my senses

I am frozen in a  
statuesque state, fixed  
in a pose created by someone  
else, the world begins to slow  
as my mind reels

staring into my own eyes, I  
see every flaw melt into  
my landscape, you don’t criticize  
a mountain for being too tall  
nor a valley too deep  
I whisper to my shaping reflection

as my image shapes  
into something i long for  
it to truly be  
i reel back 

tears slip down my face  
as i realize that i already  
am who i need to be

what i want to be  
doesn't facilitate  
what i need to be

though i'm alone  
and afraid, i have  
the instincts to  
be an amazing father

the reflection  
in the mirror  
is the perfect  
image

an image of me, I could  
be the man who loves himself  
the ideal substance

Anakin is broken from his thoughts  
A sharp knock on his front door  
He stands to answer it

Opening the door to reveal Obi-Wan  
A package rests under his arm  
A warm smile pulls across his lips

"Mind if I come in? I have something to give you."  
Anakin nods cautiously  
He moves to the side to let Obi-Wan through  
He follows him to the table  
Ben lights up at the sight of his uncle

The air around Obi-Wan is not filled with the same light mood  
He drops the package in front of Anakin  
Anakin read the outside then reaches in

It's filled with letters  
And they're all addressed to him

They're all from you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was super short as it's a true poem.
> 
> i wrote this poem about myself technically but tweaked it so that it was written through anakin's eyes, the way he sees himself so this poem truly means a lot to me. i've struggled with acceptance a lot and have been diagnosed with clinical depression, anxiety, and adhd since i was at least 13 i believe and i'm currently 18 so it's been a good 5 or so years, so i really wanted to be able to express how truly heartbroken and guilty anakin feels over something he couldn't prevent.
> 
> as always, comments are appreciated. i've also dedicated this entire book to the realest lad out there because you've been responsible for more than a molecule of my inspiration and work, and here's the book to prove it.
> 
> peace, love, captain crunch <3


	8. Chapter 8

Anakin lifts the first letter  
Perfectly centered on the front is a number 1  
Your handwriting, exactly as he remembers it

He opens it slowly  
As if it would fall apart between his fingers  
His newest memory  
Disintegrating between his fingers  
Sand slipping by like an hourglass

Your words are too strong  
They feel like a bullet to his chest  
You had responded to each of his letters

Obi-Wan had given you his letters  
You were still alive  
Ben’s mother was still alive  
You were still alive

He couldn’t wrap his mind around it  
You had been gone for so long  
But know you aren’t gone

He knows you’re still out there  
But, do you want him  
Do you need him anymore

He’s needed you now more than ever before  
The weight of the letters  
The presence of Obi-Wan next to him  
The thought that you’re still out there  
And obviously not far

Then the anger settles in  
Why did you leave  
Why did you leave the two best things that ever happened to you  
Alone  
Without you  
Vulnerable and scared  
Tired and overwhelmed

Anakin let the tears fall from his eyes  
His mouth twisting in pain  
He let out a short shout  
Slammed the letter to the table  
Stood and opened the door

“Get out Obi-Wan.”

The other man nodded  
Making haste and leaving quickly

Anakin moved to close the door  
Ben screamed

Anakin picked up his son  
Mirror images of each others emotions  
Ben knew Anakin was upset  
Anakin knew he needed to calm down

He lay on the couch  
His son swaddled to his chest

“I’ll never leave you Ben. My allegiance is to you, to your life.”

Tiny snores left the body on his chest  
Soon Anakin relaxed as well  
Allowing himself to slip from consciousness 

You peeked through the window of the living room  
Your heart shattering  
Dried tears rest on Anakin’s cheeks

Your fault

You slip the letter beneath the door  
Your fingers feel as though they carry the weight of 100 men  
That letter is the most important one  
You’re finally going to face your past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So our poor little Ani found out the big secret.
> 
> Here I am. Back from the dead. I've been busy with college so I haven't had much time or inspo for this book or Violet Goddess but hopefully that'll change in November when I'm back home for break. I don't know what I'm doing with this book. I may go back and story board this one like I did for Violet Goddess but I'm not sure. Most of these chapters are written when I feel really bad and wanna write something quick. 
> 
> I love reading your comments especially if you have recommendations that could get the gears goin, so teehee feel free to leave some if you want.
> 
> Peace, love, captain crunch <3


	9. Chapter 9

Dear Anakin,

I'm so incredibly sorry. 

I don't know why I've done this to you.

I don't think I could ever explain myself well enough on paper. 

Meet me in the spot we both know tomorrow at 7 pm.

Bring Ben please, I've missed holding him dearly. 

I love you more than I could consider keeping this secret,

You didn't sign your name  
You had no reason  
He knew it was you

He knew you were alive  
You weren't gone  
Like he had assumed you were

Your heart broke  
Thinking about how you left them

Defenseless  
Sad  
Scared  
Confused

You flipped their world  
Ben, not even old enough to understand  
Anakin, having already been through Shmi

His own mother  
And then you  
You hated yourself for it

It had to be done  
This had to happen  
It had to be this way

You lied to yourself  
Seeing Ben every night  
It had to be this way

You lied to yourself  
Every time you watched Anakin break  
This had to happen 

You lied to yourself  
When Obi-Wan would told you of how Anakin pushed him away  
It had to be done

It didn't have to happen  
But you had wanted it to  
At the time

That time had passed  
You have to face it

The faces presented to you  
Were ghosts of the past  
The past you had chosen

Phantoms of your memories

Your husband  
And your son

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, it's me, back from the dead. Whoops. College has been pretty sick and I head home next week so hopefully after Thanksgiving and then finals week after that, I'll be ready to start hammering stuff out again. 
> 
> I've slightly fallen off the Anakin and Obi-Wan train but I have an idea for a cannon non-compliant Anakin and Mando fic because I'm in love with Mando and something needs to be written. 
> 
> I'm also thinking that I'm gonna slow myself down on smut,,, there's just been too much and like it took a toll on my writing for a while. 
> 
> I'm not too sure on what's gonna happen with violet goddess to be honest, I don't have much motivation for it at the moment so I would have to talk to someone about my plans for it, maybe if I could find myself a beta reader... idk. 
> 
> Anyway! I hope you enjoyed this chapter. As always feel free to drop kudos and comments, I respond to everything I can and blah blah yeah you know the vibe. 
> 
> Peace, love, captain crunch. <3


	10. Chapter 10

There you were  
Clear as day  
One full

ALIVE

Human being  
Stood before him  
In that old doorway

He watched you leave  
But never thought you'd be able to return

But here you are  
Ben is secured to his chest  
Held tightly as if you would hurt him

He knew you wouldn't  
But he was scared that  
Maybe even just a glimpse  
Would shatter his wonderfully perfect son

Your eyes were downcast  
Staring at the socks that were planted before you  
An extension of Anakin   
Something you never thought you'd see again

His eyes burned into your skull  
You could feel the heat   
The weight behind his gaze

You didn't expect joy from Anakin  
But you didn't quite expect this either  
You felt like a child  
One that was being yelled at by a teacher

You couldn't look up  
Even when his broken voice asked you to  
He grabbed your face  
Angling you to look him in the eyes

His eyes were filled with tears  
His brow set low and angry  
His lips pulled into a deep frown

He looked like he could go on for years  
Chewing you out  
Yelling at you until the house crumbled around you

But that fight never came  
Those screams of fear  
Of frustration  
They stayed below the surface  
Only one word floating to the top   
Buoyant on the tension between you

Why

You had no answer  
No way to explain  
So you just looked him in the eyes  
Let your tears fall  
And shook your head

He let out a quiet sigh  
Moved from the door  
Sat down with his back to you

Close the door and sit down  
Was all he said

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow ok hello :-) uh, damn it's been a hot sec. Update on life: I finished my first semester of college so that's pretty cool. I'm still not super on the Anakin train anymore (my bookmarks really show that off with my collection of mandalorian bounty hunters that occupy that space) but I still love this book and how it allows me to not feel obligated. 
> 
> I don't have much to say today, just wanted to update. 
> 
> Peace, love, captain crunch. <3


	11. Chapter 11

The couch was worn  
Looking exactly the same as  
When you left

That was supposed to be for good

First and last tie  
You would ever leave  
The two biggest loves

Behind  
Forgotten  
Gone  
Dead

That's what you were  
What you were meant to be  
To Anakin and Ben at least

Of course you broke  
Your weak resolve  
Your maternal love

Your love for Anakin

Oh, your dear  
Sad  
Broken  
Lonely Anakin

Why had you made this choice  
What compelled this

These were the basis of his questions  
But you still couldn't answer him  
Your eye brimming with tears  
As the words tried to bubble over

Those words had been stuck forever  
Ever since you left

They were trapped beneath a rock  
The rock that sat in the pit of your stomach  
The same rock that forced its way into your throat  
Stopped you from telling him  
Blocked off your airways until your eyes began to water

You cough  
A harsh, sharp cough  
One that has Anakin bracing a hand against your back

That one tiny movement  
That bit of encouragement  
That tell that showed he still cared  
That he was mad but relieved  
That he hadn't stopped loving you while you were gone

The rock in your throat shattered  
Sharp pieces making their way into your esophagus  
Tears erupted and spilled over onto your cheeks  
But

The rock was gone  
Not forgotten  
Scarring you and breaking you down once more  
However, leaving behind a space  
No matter how tiny and ragged  
Rough and sharp and painful to work through

A space that allowed you to tell him  
The reason why you had been dead to him  
To the world  
To Ben

I'm sorry  
You started  
I was scared and stupid and  
You choked

Anakin still had his hand resting firmly on your back

I'm sorry  
Was all you could manage to get out this time

You hung your head  
Tears dripping to your chest  
Shaking your head back and forth

The space wasn't wide enough  
Wasn't smooth enough  
Too difficult to effectively navigate

Not yet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha, I found my idea journal (turns out I did not leave it at school, I just never checked in my backpack for it), too bad I had to dash so many ideas because they weren't fleshed out enough or I just wasn't interested in them anymore. 
> 
> I might write some fluffy pieces in the coming months just because they're, personally, a lot easier to just write and not worry about compared to smut pieces. I have a couple in mind that I'm gonna try to workshop in my journal.
> 
> Peace, love, captain crunch. <3

**Author's Note:**

> this might actually be the first anakin piece i'm super proud of but i'm writing this before i finish so let's see how i feel in the end. (update: i can tell i am going to love writing this work)
> 
> i love hearing from you so as always, comment! i really love seeing comments and interacting with everyone who reads my flaming garbage. 
> 
> these will most likely all be relatively short but i will be sure to update rather often. also, not all chapters will be formatted like this one, some will be letters, some will be memories, and some will just be what ever i write so, keep on your toes. <3


End file.
